Friday, May 30, 2003
I have had kind of sensory overload that last couple of days. Last night I whipped together a night out so I could see Chicago before it left the theaters. On a whim, and by chance of circumstance, I ended up taking my 18 yr old cousin to the movie with me. It is kind of a trip to be around her in any sense because I remember watching when she was small. I remember her little preemie body in the crib in my room with the heart monitor and all the worry. Now here she is all grown up. She is so quiet. It is hard to tell what is going on in her head. Come to find out it is a lot like talking with myself. She seems more self aware than I ever was at that age. I don't know that I would ever take her to the movies again with me though. She talked a lot.
She is interested in me mostly because I am Wiccan and she wants to know stuff, that general thirst for knowledge and such. I think she expects there to be more bells and whistles than there are, at least for me anyway. She is a good kid.
The other thing I really noticed is how hypersensitive I am to my mother's moods and how people react to her or treat her even. See, my mother is bi-polar or something, it seems the diagnosis changes every few years. Any time I am around my mother with her family I feel for her. I can't help but wonder when she is ignored or talked down to if that was her role in the family for all her 49 years.
My mind has wandered a lot to my formative years, it would help if I could remember more of them. As I sit here today I know that I am loved, I know that I am appreciated, taken for granted, still bitter for hurts of a child, but I have basically made it this far in one piece. But when I look at little things I wonder what things I missed, or didn't miss that have affected me to this day. An example doesn't come readily to my mind.
She is interested in me mostly because I am Wiccan and she wants to know stuff, that general thirst for knowledge and such. I think she expects there to be more bells and whistles than there are, at least for me anyway. She is a good kid.
The other thing I really noticed is how hypersensitive I am to my mother's moods and how people react to her or treat her even. See, my mother is bi-polar or something, it seems the diagnosis changes every few years. Any time I am around my mother with her family I feel for her. I can't help but wonder when she is ignored or talked down to if that was her role in the family for all her 49 years.
My mind has wandered a lot to my formative years, it would help if I could remember more of them. As I sit here today I know that I am loved, I know that I am appreciated, taken for granted, still bitter for hurts of a child, but I have basically made it this far in one piece. But when I look at little things I wonder what things I missed, or didn't miss that have affected me to this day. An example doesn't come readily to my mind.
Thursday, May 29, 2003
I have this surge of energy coursing through me, I feel it on a regular basis lately. It is as if I am on a chemical of sorts or I am feeling an incredibly strong sense of arousal. It is there constantly but doesn't always feel the same.
Today maybe it is because I need to eat. I also feel this sort of sense of addiction already to creating a new blog.
I just had the strangest call from my ex, just a casual conversation about his day and his walk to the store. It is nice and reassuring but at the same time weird. Like why can he not get it through his head that if he had done that kind of stuff on a regular basis we might not be disassociated today.
I find myself scrutinizing each and every word that I think I want to use. My mind already creating this "ideal" of what I have to say and how to say it.
Hasta la proxima
Today maybe it is because I need to eat. I also feel this sort of sense of addiction already to creating a new blog.
I just had the strangest call from my ex, just a casual conversation about his day and his walk to the store. It is nice and reassuring but at the same time weird. Like why can he not get it through his head that if he had done that kind of stuff on a regular basis we might not be disassociated today.
I find myself scrutinizing each and every word that I think I want to use. My mind already creating this "ideal" of what I have to say and how to say it.
Hasta la proxima
I am going to give this new outlet a try. My best friend recommended I start one and it sounded like something I could get into.
I am really starting to realize that I have become this newer version of myself that I cannot relate to. I still think of myself the same as I was about 8 years ago but that is obviously not the case. I am a mother now so at least that much has changed.
I feel like I am Gwen Stefani at heart trapped in the ol' Fat Bastards body. I guess that is enough for today. I should be working anyway.
I am really starting to realize that I have become this newer version of myself that I cannot relate to. I still think of myself the same as I was about 8 years ago but that is obviously not the case. I am a mother now so at least that much has changed.
I feel like I am Gwen Stefani at heart trapped in the ol' Fat Bastards body. I guess that is enough for today. I should be working anyway.
