Life of Uncertainty

Funny how I choose self-degradation as the thing to let go of this season. I was sitting there feeling mad at myself for being so weak and then I realize I am doing exactly what I don't want to do. Funny how it is just a constand vicious circle.

To make matters worse I started my period so I guess I am PMSing. That might help explain how upset I was today over the state of life. Today Elijah cried for the first time when I dropped him off at daycare. It devastated my day.

I really hate that you won't be available to email tomorrow. It is like a cruel joke sometimes.

So I finished out the day on a lesser note-

I had a serving of soy crips for my late break.
For dinner I was going fairly well. I started out with applesauce, then I had a vegan garden burger with added cheese and avocado. I left my lettuce in the fridge at work.
I then saw a left over biscuit from breakfast the other morning and had half.
For desert I had a glass of milk and peanut butter pie. I never can pass up temptation.

I watched Office Space tonight per a coworker's recommendation. I was tickled.

Ok, well technically I guess I should start something totally new but this does have to do with my life of uncertainty- My weight and my food issues. They really are killing me literally.

So I am going to keep my food diary. Starting today. I have tried in notebooks and computer logs in the past but I never seem to have anything that I can acces from anywhere. I hope this will be more than a food diary but at least that. Gosh, reading this I am thinking that maybe I do want to move to a new blog for this topic. I will ponder

I had a peanut butter and banana sandwich on whole grain for breakfast 8:30
Today I had instant oatmeal-maple and brown sugar made with skim milk at 11:30
For lunch I had cherry yogurt, possibly the size of two servings. I also had celery and spinach-artichoke dip. I know the dip isn't the best choice with the cheese but it was warm and will keep me from craving stuff all day.

Sorry for the long pause. I hate to neglect my loyal fan base. Oh, I am dying up here tonight. I am so exhausted. I feel like I haven't slept in days. I am wondering if I am fighting something.

I had a great time on Saturday for the Solstice. I spent all of last week thinking about my hope for the season and learning about herbs for the ritual. I spent it getting to know a friend a bit closer and reaching out to one of my relatives who is a powerhouse of energy but is so closed to the rest of the world. Towards the end of the week everything was extremely hectic. Not getting paid until Friday helped facilitate.

Sat I ran around non stop for about 6 hours. Thank goodness for a crockpot or I would never have squeezed in the preparation of my contribution to a potluck.

I met really incredible people on Sat. It was an open group of people and everyone was extraordinary. My friend April is an ER nurse as were all of the people that she invited. There was an extremely wonderful person name Jen. She is going to be a surrogate mother for a gay couple that she knows. It will be her first child and she will remain Aunt Jen. She had an incredible energy about her. I would love to know her more and see how this develops.

I decided that I was going to release the self-degradation that I hold so dearly to and foster a "primary relationship" with myself. I am going to grow self love. I don't know if I can explain how potent it felt to write those wishes down and throw them into the fire. I love when I can feel my passion.

I was complimented on the dish I brought by every single person there. That was a great feeling.

I miss my East Coast family dearly. It is funny to think that I miss Nicole probably most when I talk to her often. Although I know that isn't that funny. I have an almost daily dose of what I love about her/you. I finally fixed my broken pentagram that you gave me. I have felt naked without it every single day. I see it laying about and know that it is lonely too. Even though I wore it for years non stop I feel very self conscious as I begin to wear it again.

Wow! It has been awhile since I sat down to share. This week has been hectic to say the least. I have not taken a full lunch all week and I am feeling the effects.
I discovered this week that I really don't for other people to be better at certain things than I. It doesn't bother me that someone runs marathons or can throw a ball farther. But that person that can take my Word document and improve on it so much that I am envious, well I just don't want to be their friend. I am trying to overcome. I have been an envious, jealous person for a long time. I hate that I covet so much.

I have been training someone for almost two weeks and today they decided to walk away. Sigh.

My little love on the East Coast is out of surgery and doing good. Yeah! I have been very busy this week outside of work and I feel really zapped. I cannot believe today is only Thurs. I know I should be writing more but I keep falling asleep on the couch.

Tonight I will try a bit harder to update.

No es bueno cuantas espanol me no recuerdo. Leyendo un libro de cuentas corto. Mi corazon esta en un mundo muy diferente que el uno me se.

I just spend all day trying to beat a stupid game of Freecell. It was a hard game anyway but I could not concentrate as I sat in the same room with S, listening to him playing a game where he butchered cows. A strange level of Diablo where all the people are cows instead. How can someone listen to that all day and not be disturbed. It didn't help the fact that I already wanted to crawl out of my skin. Something in this weekend is making me miserable. I guess it is in part the celebration of Father's Day. I am doomed to continue to live with S, I want him and yet I know we cannot make it work at this time and place. I guess it is really starting to bother me that I don't feel like he is missing anything. I mean did he even have to grieve? And I cannot decide if I want to bother to share any of my interworkings with him in any way. Today we are driving and he says to me " Aaron wants me to get my license so I can get a better job." Like I haven't wanted him to do either tasks for a variety of reasons. What does he want me to say? I couldn't believe he could try and talk to me about that subject without "even a hint of irony," to quote Dazed and Confused.

I am dying for a change and I don't know how to make one happen. I have a Summer Solstice ritual this coming weekend and I need to concentrate on herbs to remove the major block from my life but I don't know what it/they are.

I don't know what kind of cruel joke it is to send people's sons, daughters, spouses, and siblings off to war. The good news is that James is safe so far. The bad news is that he is so far away missing some of the most precious moments of his daughter's life.
He sent some pictures today. You can already see a glimpse of what "the girl" is saying in her blog. One picture is kind of blurry and it exactly what I imagine James will look like as an older man.
I went through something so similar when he was in basic training. At that time I had just found out I was pregnant and my life was in turmoil. James was there for me, so caring, from so far away.
Now today even with all that is occuring in his life he is thinking of me and how I am dealing with my "divorce." I can barely believe he is the same lying, stealing kid brother I grew up with.

He wanted to show me some pictures and they were attached to a personal email to his wife. I coudn't completely follow his request not to read it. I had to skim just a peek. They were talking about their plans to have a real wedding. You see, his deployment was swift and they were married by a flag pole in front of the armory. I can only imagine...

I passed up two cigarettes so far today. Yeah! Oh, well one was last night. I have been smoking and reading a book about Zelda Fitzgerald, or my Latin American anthology. Last night I was going to smoke and read and I decided to read in bed and not smoke since I usually come in, lay down and try to do my breathing exercises. Kind of silly I realized.

Work is surreal today. Our phone system is so overloaded that no one is getting through. We are not allowed on the phones in any way. It is weird to have your phone ring and force yourself to ignore it. We decided we would take advantage of the free time and have a team meeting. It wasn't very productive but oh well. All the conference rooms were booked so we had it outside. Most of our team are smokers and they were smoking. I will hold off until the late afternoon smoke. I know now that I won't resist unless I feel too bad about bumming one. I won't ask though. I will see if Sharon offers.

I am glad this mess with the phones is happening on a Thurs and not over the weekend. Boy would be be crying then. It is nearly impossible to enjoy the quiet of the phones because once they do open up they will be pouring and dripping with acid.

Along the lines of last nights entry... I was wondering how come I have no self love to spare. I mean I really have to dig for what I can muster up. My main focus lately has been to try and quit smoking more. I have discovered that I am not ready to give up smoking but I am aware of trying not to smoke any more than I am. I usually only have 3 a day. Sometimes 1. I guess that is something. Actually my real goal right now is my teeth. I have never been very good at brushing or flossing. I have insurance for the first time in about 7 years so I have endured two somewhat unpleasant visits to the dentists to have my teeth cleaned. They sure feel good. It has been a nice bonding experience with my son, he is 2. It makes me feel good on one level to instill at an early age the importance of cleaning one's teeth and it keeps me on track.

I have a trip planned to NY in the late fall. I have a goal to lose at least some weight by that trip. Not only do I feel more aware of myself as my other friends are all now thinner but the last trip I was acutely aware of my size at every step of the way. The plane ride, being snug on the subway. Having to squeeze into a car because of the mountains of snow and ice. And sitting at Level I, my back was sore, my circulation sad.

I received the first contact from my brother in months, other than one random letter that I received. Unfortunately for me he took after my father and is in the military. He is currently in Iraq. How bizarre! I am jealous of his sojourn to a far off land but I wouldn't trade him places for all the world. N, if you are reading this I think I may have told you he was in Iran in my email. Quick slip of the tired fingers.

I let myself go beyond my boundaries today. I actually was going to type that my son pushed me past my boundaries but I guess the brunt of it isn't his responsibilty. He dumped a bottle of water out right in front of me. I freaked, threw the container and thumped his head. What a ghastly feeling to see that look in his eyes and yet run to me for comfort.

Well this concludes another evening for me. I am going to read for a bit and hit the hay. Hasta la proxima!

Wow! I have been away so long. It is amazing how you can try and try to get to a task and yet not achieve it. This weekend I had such plans. I did have a nice weekend so I guess that is the important part. And I did clean and organize a closet in my house.

I cannot believe tomorrow is Wednesday already. I am training 3 new hires this week. It is a task indeed! At least the time is flying. I cannot even fathom how buried my desk will be by the time I get back to my day to day tasks.

Had a birthday party for a friend today. She didn't show but the rest of us had a good time. I hope she is all right. The daughter of her partner is making the accusation against a neighbor. The kind of accusation that gives a parent nightmares. I love how life keeps you on your toes. I am blessed that my crises are less severe.

I had a strange moment of clarity this weekend about my past relationships and a common thread with the level of sexual activity.

I lost my virginity to J. It wasn't the moment of sweetness, the dreams of romance novels that one would hope it could be. On the other hand it wasn't a nightmare either. I really don't recall many of the details. I think it was on the living room floor in his apartment while the mother was out. It was a rough time in my life and I ran away after getting my permit and having a close, personal breakfast with my dear father. I stayed for days; sleeping with my "knight in shining armor", hanging with my best friend and company, having sex whenever I could.

I remember how that time came to an end once my hideout was discovered. My present as I was leaving was a note from J that he needed to break up with me because all I was interested in was sex! Of course that was my only interest. It was a closeness with another being that I was missing in my life and a focus that awakened new parts of me, I use the term pleasure lightly but I don't recall it as unpleasant either.

Not that I am going to recall each and every sexual partner I have had over the years but the highlights that made me think this weekend.

A few years later I met A, or Havok, or J. I will never know what information of his was true, what was false. He was/is the love of my life in a lot of ways. Not that the relationship was the best it could have been but I like the feelings awaken with him. I would definitely mark it as a turning point. We were animals, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. Roleplaying, public displays, night after night of sleepless lust. There was a time when we visited his mother's house. We slept the whole trip in a single bed and being in his mother's house did nothing to douse the desire we had for one another. That part of the trip was great for us both, or so I thought. I recall later when A went to visit his mother again and I wasn't invited. This was nearer to the end of our relationship. I really pushed the issue as I was dependent on his attention and would dearly miss him. He said that his mother hadn't wanted me to come again as all I did was stay in bed and have sex. It seems to me it takes two to tangle and he didn't stand up for me. Again the same message, I let sex run my relationship.

Then came C, or Valor, rebound relationship in retrospect but what I needed at the time. The thing I really cherish about my relationship with C is that he was the kind of person I felt like I was on the inside, only on his outside. The dark goth with the exotic tastes. It was almost the reverse with C. Of course he wasn't an experienced lay and I don't think that he was ever completely attracted to me. Sex was mediocre at best. For us the problem was my lack of interest. It was always such a big deal to him if I didn't want to copulate. I guess I was on the other side of the fence this time around. I remember how a major part of my depression was that he found someone that he didn't Have to have sex with. I asked him why in a desperate plea that she was different. He said he guessed that was how he knew she was the one. Whatever.

Now I have my current ex I guess. Hot and heavy in the beginning like any good partnering. I thought I had found my match until he told me he would have sex 4 times a week if he could have sex as much as he possibly wanted. Sigh. Over the years it has been an issue of why sex is so god damn important to me, why do I have to have it all the time? I have slowly watched as my sexual soul as been faded out. Afraid to make come ons and hidden in the body I hate I have shriveled up. I cannot help but think how all these past experiences have led to today. Well duh! of course the past made me the person I am but in a very particular way these have all affected me.

Maybe that is why I haven't found "the one', even if only for the time. Maybe I have created this shell around me that can only appreciate the physical, sexual closeness and not the other. This in no way means that I think that past people were it and I alone had the problems but... There isn't too much to say on that because I don't want to live in the past.

It is hurtful because I feel like I can express so much through my physical appetite. I mean I used to proudly say that I could orgasm at the drop of a dime. But I guess that brought me another kind of attention that led to me crying in the kitchen one night wondering what the hell I was thinking. I am sure I had more to say that maybe made more sense but I have been pondering this for days and now I am writing while very tired.

-Sweet dreams

I have this friend. How we have become so close I will never completely understand. But oh how I love him. Not in the "I have a crush way". But I love him as a dear friend who touches my life. Every time I hear something from him it touches me how an acquaintance from a class is now someone I will know for the rest of my life. And how strange that if it were not for email I couldn't say that. I love technology.

Today unfortunately the news is not so good. A horrible car accident and lives lost. Thankfully not his but someone close to him.

It is the cap to an emotionally exhausting day. I shall try to wash away my misery in a cool shower.

I guess it is the desire to escape my work. Once I am settled into it and I can see the progress as my desk becomes clear I don't have a love for the work I do. Therefore at every possible moment I want to use it as free time to write something clever or daring.

Last night I followed a link to an incredible blog. I now feel the need to revisit and read every word. I am not sure why. I guess I like to find things to knock myself down over. I waste an extraordinary amount of time doing that.

I have been trying to fight for months the desire to just run away. I don't know where or how far but I just want to run. Leave behind work, family, friends, and make a new life. At the same time I want to be able to return to this point and time in my life with the wisdom and clarity that 6 months away would give me.

One precious little face smiling at me keeps me grounded here. I could never reclaim those moments with my son so I trudge on. I try to find the little things daily that improve our life together. I guess I have a fear of being overwhelmed by the history of my biological grandmother and my mother. Constantly running in fear that everything is a sign that I will end like them.

I was really pondering that on my drive home. How one of the the things that really can iritate me about my mother is her ability to talk and talk without really getting anywhere. I feel that way a lot these last few years. I try to console myself that it is just lack of time and sleep. Some day the future will tell.

The weather here is heating up quickly. It is amazing to me that I can be so miserable and yet be so amped about the time of year. The summer solstice is fast approaching. I feel like I am really awake at this time of year. I love the open windows and doors. I love the coolness of the early morning and the brillance of the yellow light shining off every surface.

I have evolved into someone with a really addictive personality lately and it frightens me. Smoking, bad eating habits, endless hours of tv, reading smutty books, staying up late. I am aware that I am in a downhill slide but barely care enough to acknowledge it. I am sooo tired, I haven't slept a wink. I'm soooo tired my mind is on the brink...

Why is it that some people can be so fake and yet no one notices it? Or at least the important people never realize it

I long for the Big Sky of Montana.

Harlequin romances, what a guilty pleasure... If that even begins to describe it. I haven't read one for years, seriously, I am not lying. Why would you think that I was?
I have one that I have kept since my preteen years that I think captures a lot of what I feel about myself and centers around a young woman finding her self and her true beauty on an outing to Italy. Again though, I haven't read it in some time so maybe I would trash it today.

As part of a commitment to another website I frequent I saw that there appears to be a new series, Blaze, or so they call it. I decided to get my two free books. I wanted to experience what they were as an adult.
I figure masturbation material if nothing else.

Well I can't say that much has changed. Everyone is the perfect body, the smoldering ideal of sex appeal. Maybe the men are a little more sensitve. But what really caught my eye is that inclusion of safe sex. Catching up with the times somewhat I see. Even more interesting than how many names one can call the "manhood" is how many ways the writer can include the application of a condom. I don't think I have read the word "sheath" in so many variations in such a short piece of work.